What Slips Through the Cracks?

The past couple of weeks the sensation that I’m forgetting something has increased significantly.  My response to this feeling is to hunker down, focus more and write down MANY to do lists.  Its exhausting, and quite honestly makes life stressful instead of enjoyable.  Yes there is a lot of work to get done, but this increase in intensity has been harder on me than I like to admit.

I’ve seen things slip that I usually am really great at.  Such as reaching out to family and friends, to forgetting when I have committed to things, to being so consumed with my thoughts I don’t give those in front of me the respect they deserve by giving them my full attention.  This is especially unacceptable in my relationship with my husband.

Now, let me clarify, I’m not sharing this with you to vent.  Rather, as I’ve been navigating through these feelings of inadequacy and feeling overwhelmed it has not felt like stress alone.  Stress, dealt with properly, is ok in my book.  In fact I believe most stress actually is good as it drives you to push beyond what your normal capacity is.  I don’t want a mediocre life, and if stress is required to help push to there, then I’ll gladly use it.

Ok, with that out of the way, I’m going to get really vulnerable. I’m STILL struggling with being performance motivated.  I know I’ve talked about not operating out of a desire to perform for acceptance or approval.  Yet here I am still working through it.  What has been revealed this time though is that, this push has impacted me more than usual because I’ve been focused far more on task than people.  It actually doesn’t sit well with me.  Where as in the past I wouldn’t even have been bothered by it to the same degree I am now.  That is PROGRESS!  I do not have it all figured out, but I see that I am progressing and that is encouraging.

Your thing may not be being performance driven.  Maybe it is perfection, control, playing the victim and holding onto bitterness.  The reality is all of these drivers while unhealthy don’t vanish once we become aware of them.

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